Last night I hosted a Basilique Chat Salon on the subject of gender experimentation in Second Life. The questions up for discussion were: have you ever experimented with gender in Second Life? Why do/did you do it? What were your reactions to the experience? How did you react to members of the opposite gender? How about those of the same gender as you? Have you come to any new insights as a result? Would you recommend it?
Interestingly, if not surprisingly, the conversation veered somewhat off-topic into the area of how we feel about others role-playing different genders, and how their choices and actions affect us, as opposed to whether we ourselves had dabbled in such activities.
In most salons, I notice a clear majority opinion, with one or two brave objectors campaigning for the opposing view. A nuanced and shades-of-grey discussion – without anyone taking an extreme position – is also common. Last night; however, I could have put those for and against gender experimentation (opposers might call it ‘deception’) on two sides of an aisle, the way in which one might divide two opposing parties arguing over politics.
I believe my perspective is clear to those who know me: I am open to experimenting with gender, and to those who wish to experiment with gender. I have used male alts in the past, and I’ve felt comfortable doing so. While embodying a differently gendered avatar, I did not, like some members of the salon, experience an identity crisis or question who I am anymore than I regularly do. I did (and do) enjoy many of the benefits that accrue to both genders. Rightly or wrongly, many people treat others differently depending in part on their gender, which can be frustrating, but also fascinating.
As a moderator of the chat salons, I feel it is my duty to keep an open mind to views that don’t align with mine. I’ve sometimes changed my mind about how I thought about something before hearing a well-reasoned opposing view at the salon. Last night was no different in the former, I tried to listen for reasons I could relate to with regards to why it’s wrong to portray a different gender than the one we might be in RL.
I did not, however, hear any reasons that went beyond our personal expectations of what others should do to make some of us more comfortable. It seems like a big ask to me to expect people to change how they experience their virtual reality for our benefit, notwithstanding regional rules that are more targeted at more superficial choices.
In my opinion, this highly divisive issue comes down to expectations. As one participant said in the salon, comparing a person’s revelation that they are not who they present to drinking from the wrong bottle in the fridge: “the brain expects to get milk, but gets orange juice, all of a sudden its nasty.”
The problem, however, is not that the orange juice is bad, but rather with our expectations in the first place.
My opinion is that one can never control what other people are, or do. To imagine one can, is to allow one’s happiness to depend on what one cannot possibly control.
I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to live a life where I don’t rely on expectations. A life where I instead replace expectations with appreciation and acceptance. I find that I am much happier, more relaxed, more graceful, than I was when I saddled my experience with expectations.
So, I look at this issue with the same lack of expectations. I look at what I see in front of me and say: You are what you portray. I respect you for your choices.
It all comes down to how we see the world.
If you choose to live a life of high fidelity to your SL, why should I judge that negatively? Why then would I not give the same respect to someone who chooses to experience low fidelity?
It is your choice in the end; your reasons, who am I to judge what gender you wish to identify with? I wouldn’t judge you for your race, or your sexual orientation, or the colour of your skin, or hair, or eyes. Why is gender excepted?
The fulcrum of the matter, as another participant said in the salon, seems to be the perceived deception involved. And especially, the inferred deception when a relationship becomes intimate, or sexual. Some even said friendship with someone who wasn’t portraying their true gender in SL was impossible: “If the friendship is based on a lie, what would you talk about?”
That’s up to them, I suppose. To anyone who wants to be sure they’re drinking milk and not orange juice, then I recommend they open the bottle and look before they drink.
I’m under no illusions, however, that anyone shares everything about themselves to anyone else, no matter how intimate a relationship can become, in real life or otherwise. Life is so much easier, when we shed our expectations.
We all have our secrets. We all play roles. We all have things about us we’d rather not share, no matter how close we become. Is that deception?
We are, I’m afraid, so quick to judge, to which I say: “Let him (or her) who is without sin cast the first stone.”
When it comes to gender, I will take you as who you say you are. What I see is what I get, and that works for me. Instead of judging you for not complying with my personal preference on the fidelity of your gender, I will instead give friendly amnesty to anyone who chooses to be whom they wish to be.
Canary Beck 